An Open Letter to Mark Savery

Dear Mark,

The purpose of this letter is to declare my intention to race in the upcoming cyclocross season (I’ll do one race, and then see how it goes). This declaration is directed at you because you are, by default, the most notable clyclocross racer that I am aware of in the Omaha area. I’m sure we can agree the rest are mere chumps, offering you no real competition. Well, that is all about to change. Admittedly, the October 1^st Swanson race will be my first ever cyclocross race, but I see no reason why I won’t be able to challenge you for the title. My training has given me the confidence to make such a bold claim. I don’t want to give away all of my secrets, but I have been riding 30-40 miles a week on the Keystone, and hardly anybody has passed me. Those that did seemed like they are way faster than you so I’m not worried. One week I actually hit 50 miles, but that was the week I did the Taco Ride….that’s right I said Taco Ride. I did the whole thing, down AND back, in what seemed like record time. All the posers on the Wabash were screaming at me to “Slow Down, A-Hole!” but I couldn’t, I’m on a mission to take down Mark Savery.

I saw on your blog that you now have an “A” and a “B” bike for the upcoming season. I’m not impressed. I only need one bike to embarrass you, and it’s probably more like a “C” bike. I take that back, it’s a “D” bike. The “D” stands for Dominate! I don’t need an extra bike to give me an edge. I already have the edge. I have Goathead nation in my corner….. (I probably should have run this by you all first, huh?). I’ve been living on a diet of nothing but Stinger Honey wafers and GU for the last three months. My Yoga instructor tells me she’s never seen such rapid weight loss. I’ve found 37 new uses for Mad Alchemy Embrocation, including hair gel and tooth paste. Most of the others involve my wife so I’ll keep that to myself. I failed my last physical because I refused to take off my compression tights at the doctor’s office. He obviously doesn’t know what it’s like to be committed to something. And don’t worry, if the weather is bad, I’ve got base layers for my base layers.

Consider yourself warned, sir. I will be competing in the Cat 4 race at Swanson on October 1^st. If you are not at the start line, I will assume that you were not up to the challenge.

Good luck,

Lumpy